Brave.
Fearless.
Unstoppable.
Disgusting.
Wrong.
Revolting.
You have been with me for fifteen years.
You have controlled me for fifteen years.
You have been me for fifteen years.
Taking the confidence of my youth
And manipulating my self-worth into self-hate.
Forcing me to bare all in a room full of strangers,
Of judging eyes,
For them to judge, prod and inspect me.
A cadaver with a heartbeat.
As they carefully photograph every mark,
To share later behind closed doors,
And direct me into isolation,
Humiliation,
As I practise self-segregation,
Constructing walls carved out of frustration.
No matter what I do
Or will do
Or have done,
I will never escape you.
My skin will crawl with you.
In those moments I forget you,
I am offered the chance to breathe.
Because it is not just physical with you.
Others see your marks,
I feel them.
When the world is dark,
I feel them.
I noticed you the other day,
Creeping into places you do not belong.
Manifesting in my thoughts,
Tainting them.
I caught my breath in a forced smile and attempted to censor my thoughts.
Catching the eyes of strangers,
My lungs clutching,
Quickening,
Each movement feels forced as my façade falls.
Fractured pace carries me from your encompassing grasp,
Each step echoing with tinnitus, refusing to escape my head
- My thoughts –
My thoughts consumed with screaming silence,
My flesh flooded,
Muffled murmurs and a building symphony of laughter
Rise with the bile in my throat-
Cascading over-
In a waterfall of spiteful words from strangers,
From acquaintances and friends,
From myself.
Judgements.
Unavoidable, unrelenting, unfiltered.
Judgements.
You have not made me courageous or valiant or brave,
Or any other word used to label me for simply existing,
You have made me an actor,
Master of my craft,
Excelling at hiding my insecurities,
Masking your marks,
Standing taller than the self-worth you offer me,
Permit of me.
Concealing genuine emotion with mindless drivel,
Breaking down relationships to maintain barriers,
In a continuous cycle of self-loathing and self-destruction.
I have grown accustomed to your presence,
Letting myself forget your attachment until such time I see you again.
I see you again and
I am reminded of your unrelenting grasp.
Something forces me to find strength,
To return myself to my feet.
A voice you have yet to control, guides me,
I let its warmth embrace me,
Taking my misery in its hands,
And finally, I am strong enough to face you.
Standing with you,
My path is unmarked.
You were with me for fifteen years.
You controlled me for fifteen years.
You were me for fifteen years.
By Jennifer Pickering
Intellectual Property of Jennifer Pickering. Gain permission before use.
Jennifer Pickering 